


faces not their own

by leonkarnak



Category: The Caligula Effect (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Gender Dysphoria, Other, Trans Character, Trans Solidarity, i cant write dialogue, left which protag it is ambigious, thank you caligula discord for my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 07:42:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonkarnak/pseuds/leonkarnak
Summary: Sweet-P and Lucid discover what they have in common.





	faces not their own

Run away.

Mobius grants one's desires, so to speak. Desiring something is all one needs; taking action is unneeded, unless your desire is to return to the real world.

When the world was filled with pixels and static and blurry, the desire to escape filled Lucid's heart. But when Thorn approached them, the doubts in their mind sprung to life.

They loved the go home club. They truly wanted them to escape, if that was their desire. But at the cost of destroying Mobius.... 

The ugly selfishness they always had posessed reared it's face.

Seeing themself as Lucid cemented their decision. The parts of them invisible and undefined. Indecision etched into their very form.

They way they really were.

Lucid sprawled out on the couch in the Ostinato Commons room. It was comfortable; maybe worryingly so. The other musicians had to at least attack them to keep up appearances, and the 'double agent' act tired them out.

It was nice, though. Thorn was cold at her best, yet something about her nihilism appealed to a dark part inside of Lucid. Stork was perverted and.. said some things they'd rather that he had not, but he was a good person at heart. Shounen doll wasn't around often, but he was insightful and thoughtful. Shadow knife was "dark" and "edgy", but anyone could see the trauma he suffered and the way he was desperately trying to be his own hero. Ike-P was almost like them; hiding behind a face not truly his own and trying to become a person worthy of it. Kuchinashi.... It was an exercise in restraint to not shoot Eiji in the back the second he looked away. Kuchinashi hadn't shared her full story yet, but the dark circles under her eyes and shaking hands as she spoke about him--

Eiji would die. Lucid would make sure of it.

Wicked may as well have been a cryptid, though the pile of bombs and military materials may have been a hint. Mirei seemed shallow to most; and she was, but it seemed to Lucid that beyond her materialism was a person deadly afraid of being left behind if she slipped even once.

Lucid wanted to protect them all. Their dreams, their lives-- the cruel world, the real world, haunted all of them. The real world had no room for their dreams, yet mobius was made for it.

Beyond the others, however, was Sweet-P. She was elegant and cutesy all in one, almost projecting an aura of light and pastels. And she was--

Uneducated taunts of "betrayed" "fans" were so loud in Lucid's mind they might have doubled over. 

It was then, in the midst of Lucid's thoughts, that Sweet-P entered the commons. Smiling cutely as always, yawning demurely as she took her seat at her tea table; but the smile didn't reach her eyes, and the slight disturbance of her foundation and red in her eyes told Lucid all they needed to know.

They pushed themselves off of the couch, stretching slightly, and, walking over, gestured to an empty seat across of the musician.

"May I sit here?" Lucid felt there might have been a slight shake to their voice; not that they had earned such a thing, while Sweet-P suffered.

"Of course~! But if you wish to partake in this tea party, make sure to use your fairy name ~! I'm Sweetpea!" Sweet-P's smile widened a bit, but Lucid could almost feel a sense of fear from her as well. Not that they blamed her, after the constant invalidation and accusatory statements.

"I'm so glad to see you again, Sweetpea! My name is Hydrangea!" Lucid's voice wavered a bit; they couldn't match Sweet-P's cutesy tone of voice easily, but for the sake of the tea party they certainly tried.

Conversation flowed easily and lazily; though every once in a while Sweet-P would look worried or afraid and change the subject, clearly afraid of Lucid "calling her out" on the "real" her.

Finally, Lucid just came out and said it.

"I'm like you." Lucid said. Their teacup shaked a little bit in their unsteady hand, and they were grateful that a skull didn't really show any expression.

Sweet-P's confusion was plain to see. There was only one thing Lucid could really be referring to, but Lucid understood; it was unthinkable that anyone would be like them, much less admit it.

Yet here were two people, with two faces- or in Lucid's case, three- and none of them were their own.

"My body... in the real world, at least.. it..." Their body was heavy, words shaking and others simply being unable to find whatsoever. Sweet-P had suffered so much more though, so....

"It doesn't match."

The wording was awkward, but the meaning was understood. Sweet-P's expression changed rapidly; surprise, confusion, sadness-- and then settled on what may have almost been neutrality.

Had it not been for the tear rolling down her cheek.

\---

Thorn had gone too far, and Mu was rapidly losing control. Thorn said nothing as they settled into the Go-Home club, keeping their mouth quiet even as they could feel their identity as Lucid so close to being revealed.

They think, in a somewhat bitter, evil way, they had been friends. Maybe that was why Thorn let them betray her for those they had originally betrayed. They suppose they'll never really know either way.

Shogo and them visit Asuka's grave after they confess their identity as Lucid, and they cry together there for hours.

It's a few days later that they head to the meeting place, hands shaking a little bit. They don't know what or who they're really looking for at first, but when they see it, they instantly know they've found each other.

A bright pastel cardigan lays on the person before them, and in a move that shocks even themselves, they're hugging that person in the middle of a ramen shop, tears rolling down this face not yet their own.

"It's been a while, Hydrangea. Are you ready?"

They can't speak, so instead they nod.

They won't be the body Mu gave to them; to either of them....

But soon, together, they'll both be themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to the caligula discord for inspiring me and the train im on for being so fuckinf boring that i made myself do skemthing


End file.
